Mother's Reflection

Feeding the Chickens this morning was more dreary than usual. Even the Chickens were more reluctant to leave the coop for food. The sun is still tucked neatly behind some clouds and the ground once covered by snow is now a mud slick that tries to suck feet in with each step. I love how the snow covers and cleans everything up; with it gone I am reminded of all the work that needs to be done around our house (Sigh). It will wait for spring though and I will wait for another snowfall to help me forget about it.

Jackson is with his Mamaw and Paw until after New Year's. They had become so accustomed to watching him a few days every week during the school year that missing him for nearly 2 weeks almost killed them. Only problem is that now I miss him. He is such a joyful child and I love being able to just spend time with him: play, laugh, read books, and dance our legs off.

I found old pictures of him yesterday when I was cleaning the house and I just cried. He is not that infant. He has a personality now with likes, dislikes, and ways of showing affection and disgust. He is amazing to me. In the stack of pictures were also the pictures of his birth. I looked at that girl pushing a baby through and out of her body and I realize that she is not that girl. I have grown tremendously as a person since that day. Motherhood is the single most trying task I have encountered and yet we get through every single day. Jack is a healthy, happy, intelligent child and I don't know that a mother could ask for anymore.

This evening we are having friends over for drinks, games, food, and good times. I met Melanie during this past semester (smoking outside, which we have both now successfully quit!) and we had so much in common we became instant friends. I am excited to catch up with her and meet her boyfriend and for her to meet Dave.

And that is what the "holidays" are all about, great food and drink, laughter, joy, and spending time with those you love, whether it be in a beautiful snowfall or horrible mud slick, that is what it is all about.

Broken Things.

Add my laptop to the list....(sigh) My hard drive is gone, along with pictures of Jack's first birthday and my pre-surgery boob pictures. It just wouldn't start this morning and nothing we tried would coax it into cooperating one last time for a transfer of files to the externals. I tell myself every time I have a crash that this is the last time I will be caught with my pants down so to speak, that I will back up every single file I have. And yet I never seem to get around to it. My hope now is that we will be able to send off and get the files extracted by a professional, Boobie shots and all.

The breaker also went a few days ago so I have had no washer or dryer for about 3 days now. To top off this delightful season Jackson and I are both on antibiotics after a doctor visit today. But Jackson is now peacefully resting and as the scene to our left indicates, I am enjoying a small glass of Jim Beam Rye and Ginger Ale (My new favorite drink, You should try it if you haven't.)

The good news is that I am not broken. Well not anymore. Not after I had a good cry and walk in the snow with the most beautifully strong, kind, and patient man that I know. Dave has a way of encouraging me to be happy even when my brain chemistry pulls so hard in every opposite direction, He reminds me that it is perfectly fine to take a deep breath and restart my day as many times as it takes to get it right, today... it took until about 1 am. (I just realized "today" in that last sentence is over. Technically I never did get yesterday right, But today has started out GREAT and I haven't even slept!)

So in light of so many "broken things" I feel it is appropriate to focus on all the things that couldn't be more "unbroken":
1. In spite of 2 very ill participants, our Christmas morning was delightful! Jackson played and played with new toys. His car ramps were definitely his favorite, especially after I showed him that many different objects could be cleverly shot down the ramp. (Pictures might be posted when I get a steady computer for downloading them from my camera.)
2. A new hard drive has been ordered for my laptop.
3. 2 plane tickets destined for Switzerland from May 22nd through June 2nd were purchased today! Our honeymoon destination is official and there are no refunds now.
4. Dave bought what we need to fix the breaker. And I found out that we all have more clothes to wear than I thought and that it is totally possible to go 2 weeks without doing laundry.
4. Dave took it upon himself to buy me a spicy East Indian Snack Mix that is tasty as hell since I am sick and prepare curative chili and bread for us all in the same day. I am going to stop there for fear that this is getting too lovey and sweet.

Tantrums

So the kiddo has been walking around crying for what feels like days now. I mean he takes spells where he is just unsettled, nothing is good enough, he eats and plays, but cries at the same time. It is pitiful, but seeing how nothing I do seems to help for long I am ignoring these tantrums and it honestly seems to make them at least shorter. I know, I'm a mean 'ol momma, but Jack should definitely be used to it by now.

I busted my leg wearing these damn weights today and let out a stream of cursing that would make my brother proud (he taught me every conventional, and non-conventional cuss word I know). The problem with these things is that the added weight means added weight when they are slamming into things too, so, on that note I am angrily putting them away for the day.

Christmas is closer. I am excited, at least at the thought of all the wine and egg nog that I get to ingest over the next few days, mostly at others expense, Sweet, I know. I remember the days when suggesting we have alcohol at my mother's house would have resulted in an argument hardly worth the trouble. Her new openness on the issue has made a huge difference in my willingness to drive the 2 hours to her house for a visit. Smart Move Momma!

I guess it is time to prepare; prepare for the quiet evening at home and christmas with my parents tomorrow. Hello, heated coffee, good-bye propped up feet (I think the ankle weights actually lead to more sitting than ass-toning anyway). How many times can you microwave old coffee and still be a reasonable adult?

Yes, I now use Ankle Weights...

And they suck, I trip over anything that I don't consciously lift my legs higher than normal to avoid. On the plus side I honestly feel 10 pounds lighter when they are gone, but only because they weigh ten pounds.

I love being home, but I also loved my routine that allowed for 3 days of intense exercise each week. I have all the equipment at home to work out, but fear that the break in routine will result in a physical activity reduction and I know how important it is for me to keep this up. Since I began this exercise regime I eat more, weigh the same, but have dropped two sizes, have visible definition in my upper body, and for the first time in a long time, am beginning to experience stability in my moods. Yes, Exercise is wonderful, and in the spirit of keeping it up, I will wear my ankle weights with a smile and pretend to still have an ounce of dignity. : )

Oh Christmastime, sweet Christmastime. The time of year in which everything seems to just shit out. This year's list of appliances that crapped out for the Christmas season include: Dave's computer and the stove/oven, the internet also went down for a day or so but Windstream has already fixed that. This wouldn't be so bad if appliances like these were given away, which I think would make complete sense in the spirit of Christmas.

Dave had high hopes of fixing the oven, but the part we needed for it alone would've cost $250+, and this is not the time of year in which we have that kind of cash lying around, so we looked for a used one and found an old Whirlpool for $100 at a peddler's mall type of place in our town. We were soooo relieved. We use that stove every single day without fail and the night it all went out we had to resort to using the microwave to make sauce for our Chinese chicken dish. This stove is not a flat top nor is it digital like our old one and we couldn't be happier about it. Through this we realized that while digital appliances may look "chic" they have far more expensive parts.

The best part is that we have more decor to add to the outside of our place, A nice black oven is always a nice touch to any yard area. And the yard area is where it will stay until county clean-up. (Sigh)

The computer issue has yet to be resolved but I still have the cheap Dell we found on Ebay for me and I think we will be able to share just fine, at least until I have to go back to school.

Merry Christmas to all and I hope the attack of the appliance gremlins isn't widespread.

P.S. Jackson says: "baby", "butt", and "hat" now. He repeats "baby" when we say it to him, "butt" when I wipe his butt, and "hat" when he tries to put things on his head like a sock or slinky. It is very, very cute.

Free from the Scholastic Chains.

I feel at least 10 pound lighter than I did this morning. The first semester of my senior year has come to an end and I have not had a nervous breakdown!! There's a Christmas Miracle if I ever saw one. I have no clue what I made in my classes and quite honestly I don't even care, it just feels good to have one responsibility lifted from my shoulders, if only briefly. It was a good semester though. I met so many wonderful people that I call friends and learned so many things. I know all about abnormal psychology now, Personality Disorders, Psychoses, Eating Disorders, Axis I Disorders (Depression, Anxiety, etc) and have diagnosed nearly everyone I know : ). I also discovered that the criminal justice system is quite complex and crooked, and the decriminalization of illegal drugs would help our country and the people in it far more than the policy of prohibition and abstinence we observe now. Let's see, Psychological Testing and statistics really didn't make that much of an impact on me so.... We'll just leave it at that.

Jackson, on the other hand, did not fair so well during finals week, but has a terrible cold. I say "terrible" because it is the first time that he has really been sick since he was born. We were lucky, I know. He snots, and coughs, and cries when I wipe or try to suck the snot out. He doesn't want to eat anything and I know it is because everything tastes like those little crackers we used to eat at communion as kids.

In spite of it all, he is still very pleasant. He says "pot" now and "hot pot", which I realize are very similar, but I know he is saying 2 distinct words, It is one of those things a Momma kinda knows.

I dreamt last night that he was stringing words together in sentences, and I know the time for that in reality is very near.

We are actually enjoying the holidays this years. Last year seemed like such a struggle with a new baby and dealing with what I still won't admit was post partum depression. This year is different though. This year we have bonded and grown tremendously as a family and are ready to relish each moment and memory that we make.

Time are hard. This is evident in the grim look everyone seems to share out there handing cashiers credit cards that are one swipe away from being maxed out. And in this I am reminded that none of the plastic crap in the stores out there makes people happy anyway. Happiness comes from within, it comes from the love we give and the love given to us. Jackson shows me how a spoon, or a broken toy can be just as entertaining as the most high tech baby toys out there. These realizations are good. I am getting on track. I am glad to be free from scholastic activities for a brief time to truly enjoy this. :)

Happy Holidays to All! Enjoy whatever it is in the world that makes you happy!