Yep, it is this very weekend. "It" being our wedding and this "weekend" having snuck up on me. I will be honest and admit that this is exactly what I wanted to happen. There is no sense in stressing for weeks or months about a day. We shouldn't stress at all, but we do.
10 hour layover in Toronto, that is included in our new flight schedule (I must find a good read for this trip). My entire body is peeling because I thought I needed to lay in the tanning bed once for some "evening out." We are instructing everyone to bring mud boots because there wasn't enough time to sow grass on the farm after the bulldozing. I have ordered 3 shirts for Jackson off the internet because no retailer can stock a plain Robin's Egg or Aqua blue t-shirt in size 2t or 18-24 months; I ordered 3 because the first one was the wrong color. We have not written our vows and I have not decided on songs to play at the wedding. WHY do I even need a "cake-cutting" song?!? How long does that take anyway, definitely not the 4 minutes a song will give us. Dave and I came up with some good ones last night, songs that really jive with the couple we are, but we had to admit that most of them were "clearly inappropriate."
Perhaps the largest piece of this stress is the guilt I feel as a mother. Jackson has a cold/allergies/nothing serious, but irritating. Add incoming eye-teeth and this kid is a mess. I find myself struggling to find the balance between doing what I need to as a mother and as a bride-to-be.
Those issues, looming ever closer to my inner mind, seemed like such a big deal yesterday. I cried the first "stress tears" of this whole process. Tears bring quite a release; I had forgotten about that aspect. All that being said, and it was useful to write it all down, I suppose this is going VERY well all things considered.
The next few days are going to be a whirlwind. It would be nice to discuss something other than this wedding, but there is no time. I know that.
Wish me luck folks! Wedding and Honeymoon pictures will be here before we know it !
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Snapshot of the Day
Dave is outside "taking care of business" with our flight to Switzerland. The itinerary on Orbitz says we fly from Louisville to D.C., then in 4 hours time we leave from Toronto headed for Zurich. They show no flight to Canada though, which is what we are confused about. Orbitz is kind of confusing all around in my opinion, if anyone knows anything about using them feel free to drop off hints for me.
It's pretty amazing how Dave always seems to take care of the business that I really don't want to. I love him for that. I guess I love him for a lot of things. Mostly for meeting me in the middle on a daily basis. Filling in the places in me that may not bee the strongest and making them more solid. We all have strengths and weaknesses, but it is a fortunate event when you find someone that has a way of making you a better, a more whole person all around.
I marry my best friend this week. I don't know, guess I thought it was supposed to be more stressful, or perhaps more packed full of emotion/anticipation. I am strangely calm.
Dave just looked in the kitchen window and told me that the airline canceled the flight which is why it wasn't showing up on Orbitz. When he asked her what they were going to do about it she responded, "I guess we could look for another flight," You GUESS? Wow.
And Yet I am strangely calm... We will find a way to Zurich just as we find a way for everything. There is always a way.
It's pretty amazing how Dave always seems to take care of the business that I really don't want to. I love him for that. I guess I love him for a lot of things. Mostly for meeting me in the middle on a daily basis. Filling in the places in me that may not bee the strongest and making them more solid. We all have strengths and weaknesses, but it is a fortunate event when you find someone that has a way of making you a better, a more whole person all around.
I marry my best friend this week. I don't know, guess I thought it was supposed to be more stressful, or perhaps more packed full of emotion/anticipation. I am strangely calm.
Dave just looked in the kitchen window and told me that the airline canceled the flight which is why it wasn't showing up on Orbitz. When he asked her what they were going to do about it she responded, "I guess we could look for another flight," You GUESS? Wow.
And Yet I am strangely calm... We will find a way to Zurich just as we find a way for everything. There is always a way.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I got the Email..
...the one that begins, "Ms. McQueen, I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected by the College of Social Work for admission to our Master of Social Work (MSW) graduate 60-hour degree program beginning in the fall semester of 2011".
So now, of course, I feel compelled to re-think my decision. Why? An few hours ago I was absolutely certain that I had made the best decision for me. Society, why have you bred self-doubters? Why have you encouraged so diligently that we look to social norms when shaping our beliefs and lives?
Some things just come to bite ya in the ass though. You breed a doubter, and one fine day they may just come to doubt you.
So now, of course, I feel compelled to re-think my decision. Why? An few hours ago I was absolutely certain that I had made the best decision for me. Society, why have you bred self-doubters? Why have you encouraged so diligently that we look to social norms when shaping our beliefs and lives?
Some things just come to bite ya in the ass though. You breed a doubter, and one fine day they may just come to doubt you.
I'M BACK.
Okay, I am a UK graduate! Good for me, I know, I didn't go to commencement, I simply did not feel like sitting through all that. Instead I planned our wedding shower for that weekend to keep
mom and dad happily busy and distracted.
THIS is what we did that graduation weekend:
On Saturday: we were showered with gifts and love. This shoe rack I am opening here is amazing and EXTEND-ABLE! I will report the total shoe hold-age when I get all my shoes on it. And yes that is a pinata, I have been looking for an occasion for one of these for a while, unfortunately I forgot the candy to fill it with. It will wait until Jack's 2nd Birthday I suppose.
On Sunday: We went to the Red River Gorge. It was a wonderful Mother's Day treat to get out into the great outdoors. And as always we found some really cool cliff areas.
For the past month or so I had ceased to blog. Between wedding planning, raising a boy, and school I felt like I was doing good to get the laundry done. Good news though! All that focusing on school TOTALLY paid off. I graduated with a 3.94 cumulative GPA and a 4.0 for the semester.
Forgive me for bragging, but I suppose it is necessary to pat yourself on the back every now and then.
Now that I am out of school everyone seems to want to know what I am "going to do." Come on people, you have been asking me this question since I was old enough to talk and dream of a future. My answer has changed though. I no longer desire to be a country music singer, a lawyer, or a doctor. The Truth is that I don't really know what I am "going to do". For the next week and a half I am a wedding planner. After that it is my job to have as much fun as possible on our honeymoon in Switzerland. From there I suppose I will be a part-time job seeker, gardener, and full time stay-at-home momma (Which kinda works out as Jackson could totally be ready for potty training). If anyone knows of any ways to make money from home I am completely open for suggestions.
One thing I am sure of now is that I do not want to go to graduate school. I applied to the College of Social Work to pursue a master's., but now I am quite sure that I want to give no money to any institution on the mere basis of HOPING to get a job at the end of it all. I will find what it is out there I am supposed to do. Perhaps it will even bring me back to graduate school at some point in my life, but for now I feel the strongest urge to just be open, to just create enough room to allow for absolutely anything to happen. The very thought of that openness is overwhelming in a truly awesome way.
I'm only a partial idealist. This creation of space to grow could go either way financially for me, that's why it is always good to have a garden and a few animals to fall back on; at least I know there will always be something to eat.
In the meantime my parents are coming around to the idea that I might not follow in their footsteps in getting a masters degree, Hell I guess they are getting used to the idea that I won't be a doctor (they had some pretty high expectations that I fed for many years).
I'm back. That is where I stand today. Let's see where life is going to take us tomorrow.
mom and dad happily busy and distracted.
THIS is what we did that graduation weekend:
On Saturday: we were showered with gifts and love. This shoe rack I am opening here is amazing and EXTEND-ABLE! I will report the total shoe hold-age when I get all my shoes on it. And yes that is a pinata, I have been looking for an occasion for one of these for a while, unfortunately I forgot the candy to fill it with. It will wait until Jack's 2nd Birthday I suppose.
On Sunday: We went to the Red River Gorge. It was a wonderful Mother's Day treat to get out into the great outdoors. And as always we found some really cool cliff areas.
For the past month or so I had ceased to blog. Between wedding planning, raising a boy, and school I felt like I was doing good to get the laundry done. Good news though! All that focusing on school TOTALLY paid off. I graduated with a 3.94 cumulative GPA and a 4.0 for the semester.
Forgive me for bragging, but I suppose it is necessary to pat yourself on the back every now and then.
Now that I am out of school everyone seems to want to know what I am "going to do." Come on people, you have been asking me this question since I was old enough to talk and dream of a future. My answer has changed though. I no longer desire to be a country music singer, a lawyer, or a doctor. The Truth is that I don't really know what I am "going to do". For the next week and a half I am a wedding planner. After that it is my job to have as much fun as possible on our honeymoon in Switzerland. From there I suppose I will be a part-time job seeker, gardener, and full time stay-at-home momma (Which kinda works out as Jackson could totally be ready for potty training). If anyone knows of any ways to make money from home I am completely open for suggestions.
One thing I am sure of now is that I do not want to go to graduate school. I applied to the College of Social Work to pursue a master's., but now I am quite sure that I want to give no money to any institution on the mere basis of HOPING to get a job at the end of it all. I will find what it is out there I am supposed to do. Perhaps it will even bring me back to graduate school at some point in my life, but for now I feel the strongest urge to just be open, to just create enough room to allow for absolutely anything to happen. The very thought of that openness is overwhelming in a truly awesome way.
I'm only a partial idealist. This creation of space to grow could go either way financially for me, that's why it is always good to have a garden and a few animals to fall back on; at least I know there will always be something to eat.
In the meantime my parents are coming around to the idea that I might not follow in their footsteps in getting a masters degree, Hell I guess they are getting used to the idea that I won't be a doctor (they had some pretty high expectations that I fed for many years).
I'm back. That is where I stand today. Let's see where life is going to take us tomorrow.
Friday, February 18, 2011
A "Personality"
At some point in time I looked at my little baby and realized he was a person. Okay maybe a "personality" is another way to describe it.
The first year was him needing me for every single thing. One might say it is the way a mother and her child bond, this is true to some extent I think. And now he turns his light on when he wants to play in his play area and off when he is done; he opens the fridge and brings me the milk
when he wants it; he grabs his coat and tries to put on his boots when he wants to go outside; he falls asleep on the couch with the dog when he is tired and does not require rocking or a bottle to do so; He is a Personality, with likes, dislikes, and a fairly well-rounded view of his world at this point.
As a new mother I suppose every single stage they go through feels as if it will last forever; I think that is the hardest part. When he spit up half of everything he ate for the first 6 months I thought that would last forever. When he cried half the night in pain with teething I thought that would last forever too. I thought he would always need to be carried from place to place and then he learned how to crawl, then he learned to walk, then to run, and now I can barely keep up! I thought wrong, Infants grow into independent, self-feeding, dancing toddlers, and I sure do love mine.
I am in constant amazement of this whole motherhood thing. I will be the first to tell you that I felt completely unprepared at first. I was shaking scared and everyone just looked at me smiling as if I should have it all figured out. I still don't have myself figured out, Why would it make sense that I would understand something I had never done before?! Now I realize that we all learn these things through time and experience. Nobody can tell you how it is going to be, mostly because you aren't willing to listen, you are too busy holding onto ideals that aren't that special anyway, at least that is my story.
So, kudos to the kids for growing and opening their minds to a new adventure and lesson every single day, I for one am taking a few lessons from them on that aspect of life.
The first year was him needing me for every single thing. One might say it is the way a mother and her child bond, this is true to some extent I think. And now he turns his light on when he wants to play in his play area and off when he is done; he opens the fridge and brings me the milk
when he wants it; he grabs his coat and tries to put on his boots when he wants to go outside; he falls asleep on the couch with the dog when he is tired and does not require rocking or a bottle to do so; He is a Personality, with likes, dislikes, and a fairly well-rounded view of his world at this point.As a new mother I suppose every single stage they go through feels as if it will last forever; I think that is the hardest part. When he spit up half of everything he ate for the first 6 months I thought that would last forever. When he cried half the night in pain with teething I thought that would last forever too. I thought he would always need to be carried from place to place and then he learned how to crawl, then he learned to walk, then to run, and now I can barely keep up! I thought wrong, Infants grow into independent, self-feeding, dancing toddlers, and I sure do love mine.
I am in constant amazement of this whole motherhood thing. I will be the first to tell you that I felt completely unprepared at first. I was shaking scared and everyone just looked at me smiling as if I should have it all figured out. I still don't have myself figured out, Why would it make sense that I would understand something I had never done before?! Now I realize that we all learn these things through time and experience. Nobody can tell you how it is going to be, mostly because you aren't willing to listen, you are too busy holding onto ideals that aren't that special anyway, at least that is my story.
So, kudos to the kids for growing and opening their minds to a new adventure and lesson every single day, I for one am taking a few lessons from them on that aspect of life.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Red River Gorge
We went to the Red River Gorge today. It was perfectly beautiful.... I needed it. To step outside of my small world; Just to step outside, period, was amazing. It was sixty, the sun was shining and lying on top of that warm ridge rock made me feel peace in ways I am unaccustomed to.
Recovery is now, "Valentines Day" is tomorrow, and there lie the glorious plans of hiding away at home all day and making glittery cards for one another and rainbow cake ( Thank you Mama Kayla for the idea, Dave bought all the stuff and insist I attempt one :). Picture upload later.
Recovery is now, "Valentines Day" is tomorrow, and there lie the glorious plans of hiding away at home all day and making glittery cards for one another and rainbow cake ( Thank you Mama Kayla for the idea, Dave bought all the stuff and insist I attempt one :). Picture upload later.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Eat, Exercise, Breathe.
School has consumed me.. BUT my mind is very full of inspiration. My personal growth of late has been immense...Well I suppose my realization of it has been the most important piece of the puzzle.
People, I am happy. Genuinely happy for the first time in... well I guess since I can remember. Not every day is super awesome, but it doesn't matter. My mantra, "This too shall pass" has calmed me, and if that doesn't work I remind myself that there is good in all things. Sometimes you just have to look really hard for the good, or accept that it may not be visible to you.
I never knew how to cope. I never knew how to embrace life for what it was. I knew how to break down and curl up into a ball and expect to be held like a child, and then cry harder when that didn't happen. Those skills got me no where but on a cocktail of medications. And while I do not deny that they have their place and time, I desired another way. I am now active in my mental health; I eat well, exercise, actively focus on the positive and the present. It ain't always easy but to breathe deeply and feel free is worth every ounce of energy drained from me in the process.
I thought I would share this. For some this would seem silly, but my life has been changed. Hell, it is constantly being changed anyway, might as well direct it in a positive direction.
People, I am happy. Genuinely happy for the first time in... well I guess since I can remember. Not every day is super awesome, but it doesn't matter. My mantra, "This too shall pass" has calmed me, and if that doesn't work I remind myself that there is good in all things. Sometimes you just have to look really hard for the good, or accept that it may not be visible to you.
I never knew how to cope. I never knew how to embrace life for what it was. I knew how to break down and curl up into a ball and expect to be held like a child, and then cry harder when that didn't happen. Those skills got me no where but on a cocktail of medications. And while I do not deny that they have their place and time, I desired another way. I am now active in my mental health; I eat well, exercise, actively focus on the positive and the present. It ain't always easy but to breathe deeply and feel free is worth every ounce of energy drained from me in the process.
I thought I would share this. For some this would seem silly, but my life has been changed. Hell, it is constantly being changed anyway, might as well direct it in a positive direction.