Random Stream of Consciousness... Grammar Considered.

-Before I was a mother I would've never dreamed about blogging. I didn't feel like I had much to say. I guess my life is no more interesting than most. But I have always had these insights, Of course there are more of them and in a broader range now that I am a momma. Either way I find that oftentimes it is reading the words of someone being so bluntly honest, open, and pouring their heart out that truly inspires me. A piece of what they say I might relate to and in that moment I know I am not the only one. I appreciate the willingness to do that. I think not only do we free ourselves in speaking or writing our words out loud but we also have the chance to free others.

-I used to see myself as a depressed individual. That was the way it was and there was nothing I could do about it. I found comfort in my dismal outlook and the numbness that the medication provided. It is as if a change had occurred somewhere in the past year and I hadn't really realized it until lately. I look in the mirror and see someone who is full of life. I am bright and happy, I love the grimace that has turned into a true smile. Sure, some days are hard but I can step out of my body and see myself going down this path in search of truths, and happiness, pursuing a deeper understanding for the journey of inner and personal peace.

- I am a mother. I had no intentions of becoming a Momma so soon. In fact I had some sort of gut feeling that I couldn't have children. Maybe lots of people doubt their fertility. Either way My world has been turned upside down. It is not the way that I had imagined it would be at all. I won't always feel like this is a true statement, but in a healthy frame of mind I realize that my life has turned out far better than I could've imagined. I hold this growing boy everyday and he reaches out to me and smiles. He laughs and babbles, he holds his head high. He cries when he is hungry or tired. Sometime he cries because he is bored. And through all the dirty diapers and stumbles through the dark to the side of his crib, I know that I love that boy in ways I couldn't have loved before. Becoming a mother is scarily empowering. It has pushed me to places that I never wanted to go, and yet I am stronger for it.

- It has taken me a long time to get to know myself. A small town bred outward conformity in me, but within I was crying for freedom, to be who I needed to be to express the nature loving, eccentric individual who danced in the corner of my mind begging for her chance on the stage. I am getting there. I get to know her a little more everyday, and boy do I love her. I would go so far as to say that I am in love with her. I want her to spread her wings, I want her to soar, I want her to know that I have found her a safe place to call home.

- Dave is a part of me. I once would've said that he is the better part of me, but I now realize that he is the complimentary part of me. I have him to thank for so much; Our sweet, gorgeous boy, the support, encouragement, and space to find myself and balance this new life. I really could not do any of this without him... nor would I want to.

- I think all of these things as I drive to and from school... I find solace in the quiet as I completely allow myself to dive into my inner thoughts, and I just needed to share them.