It is this developing sense of forever. There is no rush to do or say it all, we really have as long as we want. Maybe one should be careful these days about supposing you have time in any given situation, but I know that unless one of us turns into a complete nut-bag we will be rocking and rolling as usual.
It's still new though, Cats. It will be 1 month on the 21st and my name on my driver's license will probably not change until it expires: because we believe in being practical with things like that. I know one day nothing will remain that carries my maiden name and it will be such a gradual change that I probably won't even notice. Weird to think about.
I have been getting this house back in order after School, Wedding, Honeymoon extravaganza of May but I want to get up some honeymoon pictures and stories very soon. Wedding pictures will be posted just as soon as I get them! I haven't even seen them yet and my patience is definitely waning.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
And So I Cried.
Yep, it is this very weekend. "It" being our wedding and this "weekend" having snuck up on me. I will be honest and admit that this is exactly what I wanted to happen. There is no sense in stressing for weeks or months about a day. We shouldn't stress at all, but we do.
10 hour layover in Toronto, that is included in our new flight schedule (I must find a good read for this trip). My entire body is peeling because I thought I needed to lay in the tanning bed once for some "evening out." We are instructing everyone to bring mud boots because there wasn't enough time to sow grass on the farm after the bulldozing. I have ordered 3 shirts for Jackson off the internet because no retailer can stock a plain Robin's Egg or Aqua blue t-shirt in size 2t or 18-24 months; I ordered 3 because the first one was the wrong color. We have not written our vows and I have not decided on songs to play at the wedding. WHY do I even need a "cake-cutting" song?!? How long does that take anyway, definitely not the 4 minutes a song will give us. Dave and I came up with some good ones last night, songs that really jive with the couple we are, but we had to admit that most of them were "clearly inappropriate."
Perhaps the largest piece of this stress is the guilt I feel as a mother. Jackson has a cold/allergies/nothing serious, but irritating. Add incoming eye-teeth and this kid is a mess. I find myself struggling to find the balance between doing what I need to as a mother and as a bride-to-be.
Those issues, looming ever closer to my inner mind, seemed like such a big deal yesterday. I cried the first "stress tears" of this whole process. Tears bring quite a release; I had forgotten about that aspect. All that being said, and it was useful to write it all down, I suppose this is going VERY well all things considered.
The next few days are going to be a whirlwind. It would be nice to discuss something other than this wedding, but there is no time. I know that.
Wish me luck folks! Wedding and Honeymoon pictures will be here before we know it !
10 hour layover in Toronto, that is included in our new flight schedule (I must find a good read for this trip). My entire body is peeling because I thought I needed to lay in the tanning bed once for some "evening out." We are instructing everyone to bring mud boots because there wasn't enough time to sow grass on the farm after the bulldozing. I have ordered 3 shirts for Jackson off the internet because no retailer can stock a plain Robin's Egg or Aqua blue t-shirt in size 2t or 18-24 months; I ordered 3 because the first one was the wrong color. We have not written our vows and I have not decided on songs to play at the wedding. WHY do I even need a "cake-cutting" song?!? How long does that take anyway, definitely not the 4 minutes a song will give us. Dave and I came up with some good ones last night, songs that really jive with the couple we are, but we had to admit that most of them were "clearly inappropriate."
Perhaps the largest piece of this stress is the guilt I feel as a mother. Jackson has a cold/allergies/nothing serious, but irritating. Add incoming eye-teeth and this kid is a mess. I find myself struggling to find the balance between doing what I need to as a mother and as a bride-to-be.
Those issues, looming ever closer to my inner mind, seemed like such a big deal yesterday. I cried the first "stress tears" of this whole process. Tears bring quite a release; I had forgotten about that aspect. All that being said, and it was useful to write it all down, I suppose this is going VERY well all things considered.
The next few days are going to be a whirlwind. It would be nice to discuss something other than this wedding, but there is no time. I know that.
Wish me luck folks! Wedding and Honeymoon pictures will be here before we know it !
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Snapshot of the Day
Dave is outside "taking care of business" with our flight to Switzerland. The itinerary on Orbitz says we fly from Louisville to D.C., then in 4 hours time we leave from Toronto headed for Zurich. They show no flight to Canada though, which is what we are confused about. Orbitz is kind of confusing all around in my opinion, if anyone knows anything about using them feel free to drop off hints for me.
It's pretty amazing how Dave always seems to take care of the business that I really don't want to. I love him for that. I guess I love him for a lot of things. Mostly for meeting me in the middle on a daily basis. Filling in the places in me that may not bee the strongest and making them more solid. We all have strengths and weaknesses, but it is a fortunate event when you find someone that has a way of making you a better, a more whole person all around.
I marry my best friend this week. I don't know, guess I thought it was supposed to be more stressful, or perhaps more packed full of emotion/anticipation. I am strangely calm.
Dave just looked in the kitchen window and told me that the airline canceled the flight which is why it wasn't showing up on Orbitz. When he asked her what they were going to do about it she responded, "I guess we could look for another flight," You GUESS? Wow.
And Yet I am strangely calm... We will find a way to Zurich just as we find a way for everything. There is always a way.
It's pretty amazing how Dave always seems to take care of the business that I really don't want to. I love him for that. I guess I love him for a lot of things. Mostly for meeting me in the middle on a daily basis. Filling in the places in me that may not bee the strongest and making them more solid. We all have strengths and weaknesses, but it is a fortunate event when you find someone that has a way of making you a better, a more whole person all around.
I marry my best friend this week. I don't know, guess I thought it was supposed to be more stressful, or perhaps more packed full of emotion/anticipation. I am strangely calm.
Dave just looked in the kitchen window and told me that the airline canceled the flight which is why it wasn't showing up on Orbitz. When he asked her what they were going to do about it she responded, "I guess we could look for another flight," You GUESS? Wow.
And Yet I am strangely calm... We will find a way to Zurich just as we find a way for everything. There is always a way.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I got the Email..
...the one that begins, "Ms. McQueen, I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected by the College of Social Work for admission to our Master of Social Work (MSW) graduate 60-hour degree program beginning in the fall semester of 2011".
So now, of course, I feel compelled to re-think my decision. Why? An few hours ago I was absolutely certain that I had made the best decision for me. Society, why have you bred self-doubters? Why have you encouraged so diligently that we look to social norms when shaping our beliefs and lives?
Some things just come to bite ya in the ass though. You breed a doubter, and one fine day they may just come to doubt you.
So now, of course, I feel compelled to re-think my decision. Why? An few hours ago I was absolutely certain that I had made the best decision for me. Society, why have you bred self-doubters? Why have you encouraged so diligently that we look to social norms when shaping our beliefs and lives?
Some things just come to bite ya in the ass though. You breed a doubter, and one fine day they may just come to doubt you.
I'M BACK.
Okay, I am a UK graduate! Good for me, I know, I didn't go to commencement, I simply did not feel like sitting through all that. Instead I planned our wedding shower for that weekend to keep
mom and dad happily busy and distracted.
THIS is what we did that graduation weekend:
On Saturday: we were showered with gifts and love. This shoe rack I am opening here is amazing and EXTEND-ABLE! I will report the total shoe hold-age when I get all my shoes on it. And yes that is a pinata, I have been looking for an occasion for one of these for a while, unfortunately I forgot the candy to fill it with. It will wait until Jack's 2nd Birthday I suppose.
On Sunday: We went to the Red River Gorge. It was a wonderful Mother's Day treat to get out into the great outdoors. And as always we found some really cool cliff areas.
For the past month or so I had ceased to blog. Between wedding planning, raising a boy, and school I felt like I was doing good to get the laundry done. Good news though! All that focusing on school TOTALLY paid off. I graduated with a 3.94 cumulative GPA and a 4.0 for the semester.
Forgive me for bragging, but I suppose it is necessary to pat yourself on the back every now and then.
Now that I am out of school everyone seems to want to know what I am "going to do." Come on people, you have been asking me this question since I was old enough to talk and dream of a future. My answer has changed though. I no longer desire to be a country music singer, a lawyer, or a doctor. The Truth is that I don't really know what I am "going to do". For the next week and a half I am a wedding planner. After that it is my job to have as much fun as possible on our honeymoon in Switzerland. From there I suppose I will be a part-time job seeker, gardener, and full time stay-at-home momma (Which kinda works out as Jackson could totally be ready for potty training). If anyone knows of any ways to make money from home I am completely open for suggestions.
One thing I am sure of now is that I do not want to go to graduate school. I applied to the College of Social Work to pursue a master's., but now I am quite sure that I want to give no money to any institution on the mere basis of HOPING to get a job at the end of it all. I will find what it is out there I am supposed to do. Perhaps it will even bring me back to graduate school at some point in my life, but for now I feel the strongest urge to just be open, to just create enough room to allow for absolutely anything to happen. The very thought of that openness is overwhelming in a truly awesome way.
I'm only a partial idealist. This creation of space to grow could go either way financially for me, that's why it is always good to have a garden and a few animals to fall back on; at least I know there will always be something to eat.
In the meantime my parents are coming around to the idea that I might not follow in their footsteps in getting a masters degree, Hell I guess they are getting used to the idea that I won't be a doctor (they had some pretty high expectations that I fed for many years).
I'm back. That is where I stand today. Let's see where life is going to take us tomorrow.
mom and dad happily busy and distracted.
THIS is what we did that graduation weekend:
On Saturday: we were showered with gifts and love. This shoe rack I am opening here is amazing and EXTEND-ABLE! I will report the total shoe hold-age when I get all my shoes on it. And yes that is a pinata, I have been looking for an occasion for one of these for a while, unfortunately I forgot the candy to fill it with. It will wait until Jack's 2nd Birthday I suppose.
On Sunday: We went to the Red River Gorge. It was a wonderful Mother's Day treat to get out into the great outdoors. And as always we found some really cool cliff areas.
For the past month or so I had ceased to blog. Between wedding planning, raising a boy, and school I felt like I was doing good to get the laundry done. Good news though! All that focusing on school TOTALLY paid off. I graduated with a 3.94 cumulative GPA and a 4.0 for the semester.
Forgive me for bragging, but I suppose it is necessary to pat yourself on the back every now and then.
Now that I am out of school everyone seems to want to know what I am "going to do." Come on people, you have been asking me this question since I was old enough to talk and dream of a future. My answer has changed though. I no longer desire to be a country music singer, a lawyer, or a doctor. The Truth is that I don't really know what I am "going to do". For the next week and a half I am a wedding planner. After that it is my job to have as much fun as possible on our honeymoon in Switzerland. From there I suppose I will be a part-time job seeker, gardener, and full time stay-at-home momma (Which kinda works out as Jackson could totally be ready for potty training). If anyone knows of any ways to make money from home I am completely open for suggestions.
One thing I am sure of now is that I do not want to go to graduate school. I applied to the College of Social Work to pursue a master's., but now I am quite sure that I want to give no money to any institution on the mere basis of HOPING to get a job at the end of it all. I will find what it is out there I am supposed to do. Perhaps it will even bring me back to graduate school at some point in my life, but for now I feel the strongest urge to just be open, to just create enough room to allow for absolutely anything to happen. The very thought of that openness is overwhelming in a truly awesome way.
I'm only a partial idealist. This creation of space to grow could go either way financially for me, that's why it is always good to have a garden and a few animals to fall back on; at least I know there will always be something to eat.
In the meantime my parents are coming around to the idea that I might not follow in their footsteps in getting a masters degree, Hell I guess they are getting used to the idea that I won't be a doctor (they had some pretty high expectations that I fed for many years).
I'm back. That is where I stand today. Let's see where life is going to take us tomorrow.
Friday, February 18, 2011
A "Personality"
At some point in time I looked at my little baby and realized he was a person. Okay maybe a "personality" is another way to describe it.
The first year was him needing me for every single thing. One might say it is the way a mother and her child bond, this is true to some extent I think. And now he turns his light on when he wants to play in his play area and off when he is done; he opens the fridge and brings me the milk
when he wants it; he grabs his coat and tries to put on his boots when he wants to go outside; he falls asleep on the couch with the dog when he is tired and does not require rocking or a bottle to do so; He is a Personality, with likes, dislikes, and a fairly well-rounded view of his world at this point.
As a new mother I suppose every single stage they go through feels as if it will last forever; I think that is the hardest part. When he spit up half of everything he ate for the first 6 months I thought that would last forever. When he cried half the night in pain with teething I thought that would last forever too. I thought he would always need to be carried from place to place and then he learned how to crawl, then he learned to walk, then to run, and now I can barely keep up! I thought wrong, Infants grow into independent, self-feeding, dancing toddlers, and I sure do love mine.
I am in constant amazement of this whole motherhood thing. I will be the first to tell you that I felt completely unprepared at first. I was shaking scared and everyone just looked at me smiling as if I should have it all figured out. I still don't have myself figured out, Why would it make sense that I would understand something I had never done before?! Now I realize that we all learn these things through time and experience. Nobody can tell you how it is going to be, mostly because you aren't willing to listen, you are too busy holding onto ideals that aren't that special anyway, at least that is my story.
So, kudos to the kids for growing and opening their minds to a new adventure and lesson every single day, I for one am taking a few lessons from them on that aspect of life.
The first year was him needing me for every single thing. One might say it is the way a mother and her child bond, this is true to some extent I think. And now he turns his light on when he wants to play in his play area and off when he is done; he opens the fridge and brings me the milk
when he wants it; he grabs his coat and tries to put on his boots when he wants to go outside; he falls asleep on the couch with the dog when he is tired and does not require rocking or a bottle to do so; He is a Personality, with likes, dislikes, and a fairly well-rounded view of his world at this point.As a new mother I suppose every single stage they go through feels as if it will last forever; I think that is the hardest part. When he spit up half of everything he ate for the first 6 months I thought that would last forever. When he cried half the night in pain with teething I thought that would last forever too. I thought he would always need to be carried from place to place and then he learned how to crawl, then he learned to walk, then to run, and now I can barely keep up! I thought wrong, Infants grow into independent, self-feeding, dancing toddlers, and I sure do love mine.
I am in constant amazement of this whole motherhood thing. I will be the first to tell you that I felt completely unprepared at first. I was shaking scared and everyone just looked at me smiling as if I should have it all figured out. I still don't have myself figured out, Why would it make sense that I would understand something I had never done before?! Now I realize that we all learn these things through time and experience. Nobody can tell you how it is going to be, mostly because you aren't willing to listen, you are too busy holding onto ideals that aren't that special anyway, at least that is my story.
So, kudos to the kids for growing and opening their minds to a new adventure and lesson every single day, I for one am taking a few lessons from them on that aspect of life.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Red River Gorge
We went to the Red River Gorge today. It was perfectly beautiful.... I needed it. To step outside of my small world; Just to step outside, period, was amazing. It was sixty, the sun was shining and lying on top of that warm ridge rock made me feel peace in ways I am unaccustomed to.
Recovery is now, "Valentines Day" is tomorrow, and there lie the glorious plans of hiding away at home all day and making glittery cards for one another and rainbow cake ( Thank you Mama Kayla for the idea, Dave bought all the stuff and insist I attempt one :). Picture upload later.
Recovery is now, "Valentines Day" is tomorrow, and there lie the glorious plans of hiding away at home all day and making glittery cards for one another and rainbow cake ( Thank you Mama Kayla for the idea, Dave bought all the stuff and insist I attempt one :). Picture upload later.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Eat, Exercise, Breathe.
School has consumed me.. BUT my mind is very full of inspiration. My personal growth of late has been immense...Well I suppose my realization of it has been the most important piece of the puzzle.
People, I am happy. Genuinely happy for the first time in... well I guess since I can remember. Not every day is super awesome, but it doesn't matter. My mantra, "This too shall pass" has calmed me, and if that doesn't work I remind myself that there is good in all things. Sometimes you just have to look really hard for the good, or accept that it may not be visible to you.
I never knew how to cope. I never knew how to embrace life for what it was. I knew how to break down and curl up into a ball and expect to be held like a child, and then cry harder when that didn't happen. Those skills got me no where but on a cocktail of medications. And while I do not deny that they have their place and time, I desired another way. I am now active in my mental health; I eat well, exercise, actively focus on the positive and the present. It ain't always easy but to breathe deeply and feel free is worth every ounce of energy drained from me in the process.
I thought I would share this. For some this would seem silly, but my life has been changed. Hell, it is constantly being changed anyway, might as well direct it in a positive direction.
People, I am happy. Genuinely happy for the first time in... well I guess since I can remember. Not every day is super awesome, but it doesn't matter. My mantra, "This too shall pass" has calmed me, and if that doesn't work I remind myself that there is good in all things. Sometimes you just have to look really hard for the good, or accept that it may not be visible to you.
I never knew how to cope. I never knew how to embrace life for what it was. I knew how to break down and curl up into a ball and expect to be held like a child, and then cry harder when that didn't happen. Those skills got me no where but on a cocktail of medications. And while I do not deny that they have their place and time, I desired another way. I am now active in my mental health; I eat well, exercise, actively focus on the positive and the present. It ain't always easy but to breathe deeply and feel free is worth every ounce of energy drained from me in the process.
I thought I would share this. For some this would seem silly, but my life has been changed. Hell, it is constantly being changed anyway, might as well direct it in a positive direction.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
We all Fall Down
Apparently there is a salt shortage on the University of Kentucky seeing as how they have resorted to scraping most of the sidewalks and there is an absolute absence of salt on them. Now this wouldn't be a problem if I wore snow boots, but for the sake of my rear side I wear the Shape up shoes that promise to shape, tone, and tighten your legs and butt without ever entering the gym (I don't know about all that, but my feet feel amazing in them and I am officially hooked!)
When I fell on the ice patch that the scraper missed all I could think was, "Damn it! I wish I had whatever extra padding I had back there before I became a workout nut!" (And Yes I still think exercise/health enthusiasts are nutty, even if I did join the club).
Right on my butt at a busy four way stop in front of the campus library. Some poor girl behind me rushed up to ask if I was "okay". " It is only my pride," I responded as I shooed her on with my hands... and that is the official way that my scholastic day began.
Joyful. And it was in the fact that I did not sit down and cry as I might have a year ago when the world seemed so heavy it was hard to push air into my lungs. It is in those moments, when I am embarrassed, when I sit with an exam in front of me that I did not have time to study for, and I just smile and think it's okay, I'll do better tomorrow, and if I don't, well...that's okay too. Those are the moments that remind me that I am better, that I am stronger, that peace, hope, and good things can all be mine if I embrace them.
And maybe I just have mood swings.... I mean the next post could be 5 minutes in the future and I could be spouting out enough negativity to disturb just about anyone, but of course I would have an apology ready and that is the beauty of human error, there is beauty in that imperfection.
When I fell on the ice patch that the scraper missed all I could think was, "Damn it! I wish I had whatever extra padding I had back there before I became a workout nut!" (And Yes I still think exercise/health enthusiasts are nutty, even if I did join the club).
Right on my butt at a busy four way stop in front of the campus library. Some poor girl behind me rushed up to ask if I was "okay". " It is only my pride," I responded as I shooed her on with my hands... and that is the official way that my scholastic day began.
Joyful. And it was in the fact that I did not sit down and cry as I might have a year ago when the world seemed so heavy it was hard to push air into my lungs. It is in those moments, when I am embarrassed, when I sit with an exam in front of me that I did not have time to study for, and I just smile and think it's okay, I'll do better tomorrow, and if I don't, well...that's okay too. Those are the moments that remind me that I am better, that I am stronger, that peace, hope, and good things can all be mine if I embrace them.
And maybe I just have mood swings.... I mean the next post could be 5 minutes in the future and I could be spouting out enough negativity to disturb just about anyone, but of course I would have an apology ready and that is the beauty of human error, there is beauty in that imperfection.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Just a Quickie...
I have been away for a few days, Skiing at WinterPlace in West Virginia. It was an amazing getaway for Dave and I, unfortunately now I must catch up with school and the like.
(Sigh). It is pouring the snow. We are touring Chrisman Mill Winery today at noon for a possible wedding location. I'm sure it will look better covered in snow than the winter mud that would've been there otherwise.
I will catch up soon, Til then, may we all stay warm and dry as we wait out this endless winter.
(Sigh). It is pouring the snow. We are touring Chrisman Mill Winery today at noon for a possible wedding location. I'm sure it will look better covered in snow than the winter mud that would've been there otherwise.
I will catch up soon, Til then, may we all stay warm and dry as we wait out this endless winter.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Family Photos (Another Picture Post)
On October 20th 2010, Jackson 1st Birthday, we had family photos taken.
The Location was on the farm that we had planned to have the wedding before I was overwhelmed with all the renting and setup that would take place before it could actually happen there.
Jackson was quite the poser in this blue rocking chair that once belonged to my brother, then me, now Jack. (It was probably someone's before that, but I don't know the story, I should really ask my mother).
This was the Family photo that I chose for our biggest enlargement, Jackson just giving in to our hugs is still one of my favorite times with him.
Our photographers were also awesome enough to shoot some engagement photos too for Dave and I. These ladies definitely had a way of capturing our magic, especially after we warmed up to the camera a bit.
Don't take my word for it though... Check them out at http://www.firstcomeslovephotography.org/
The Location was on the farm that we had planned to have the wedding before I was overwhelmed with all the renting and setup that would take place before it could actually happen there.
Jackson was quite the poser in this blue rocking chair that once belonged to my brother, then me, now Jack. (It was probably someone's before that, but I don't know the story, I should really ask my mother).
This was the Family photo that I chose for our biggest enlargement, Jackson just giving in to our hugs is still one of my favorite times with him.
Our photographers were also awesome enough to shoot some engagement photos too for Dave and I. These ladies definitely had a way of capturing our magic, especially after we warmed up to the camera a bit.
Don't take my word for it though... Check them out at http://www.firstcomeslovephotography.org/
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Picture(s) of the Day
Sometimes stories are better told through pictures. Even Jackson will tell you that!! This one speaks of the goodness of cooking dinner with Momma and Dad and of getting chocolate pudding just because you are an extra sweet little boy (And because it is the "good" kind with lots of vitamin A and D : ) Momma is sneakier than you know : ).
Not from today but a few nights ago. A bird we killed and cleaned ourselves. Ready to be roasted with onion, garlic, butter, and spice galore drizzles on it.... A very tasty chicken, indeed!
I worked today at the Cracker Barrel (As I do every Sunday, it is beneficial to work with the public from time to time and the extra cash is nice.) and so my boys were let to fend for themselves. I found this picture on my camera when I came home. It literally melted my heart. Jackson has the best father.
And then this really says it all... "Slow Down" you will see in the background (if you look really hard) and that is exactly what I did as I sat and played with my boy taking a series of photographs and reading his favorite stories. He has been picked up by his grandparents for a few days so that I can study tomorrow and go to school on Tuesday. I have been spoiled by his presence over this break. Even when he screams at me, even when he screams at the world, I love this little guy. He reminds me that I need to Slow Down.Thursday, January 13, 2011
The Way I See It.
You are winning the war of parenthood if you aren't sitting in the corner crying - Dave.
I'm not going to read into that. - Me. Smiling.
I'm not going to read into that. - Me. Smiling.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The storms.
I feel them swirling in my mind. They take every peaceful and tranquil thought and rips it from its roots, turns it upside down, and makes it so negative and hurtful that I feel the urge to bang my head against something until it somehow rights itself.
"It's just one of those days". I don't want to hear that any longer, although I do appreciate the attempts. I just want this day to be less of a struggle than the day before. I just want to not struggle every damn day to convince myself that life is "okay."
Peace, I am searching for you. I am tired, please meet me halfway.
"It's just one of those days". I don't want to hear that any longer, although I do appreciate the attempts. I just want this day to be less of a struggle than the day before. I just want to not struggle every damn day to convince myself that life is "okay."
Peace, I am searching for you. I am tired, please meet me halfway.
Monday, January 10, 2011
A chicken's time.
We killed our first chickens yesterday. It was not Dave's first killing, but for me... a first.
We ordered the meat and egg combo expecting mostly roosters and some good laying hens. While chicken killing wasn't necessarily on the top of my "to-do list" I do like the idea of being able to provide meat for my family in the event that I NEED to. What we did not expect is that we would get ALL hens and that the meat birds would be sooo terribly large. There were 2 of them that were particularly pathetic. They could barely get to the roost, moving in general seemed to be such a pain and so we decided that it was their "time", which would've been much earlier had they been roosters.
I was surprised by how clean and quiet the whole process was. They had been put up for the entire day and had no protest to being strung up by their feet when the time came. We opted to skin them instead of plucking and the cleaning was far less "gross" than I had imagined as well. Revealing those huge, beautiful, fresh, chicken breasts was amazing. Like something I would buy at Kroger, but 100x better. I had fed them, put them up at night, let them out in the morning, carried them water when theirs had frozen, they are our chickens and they provided us with a very nutritious dinner, their way of giving back.
Last night was chicken roast. Tonight is chicken gumbo. We still have an entire chicken resting in the fridge. All of that equals lots of money in the long run and the taste of these chickens are far superior to any I could buy.
I'm trying to convince myself. Can you hear it?
Jackson is staying here all week in Nicholasville. After this week he will be back to the school routine of staying with g,randparents for 3-4 days out of the week and honestly it kills me. Since I am being honest: At first it wasn't so bad (he was a screaming, "difficult", infant at first and it seemed as if we could do nothing right by him) but now I really "like" my child. I always loved him, he was mine and so I felt I had to, but now I really do. He is far more reasonable and works with us towards common goals... much better. I know in the beginning it was all a pain for him too which is why he cried so much and still.... My poor "new momma" brain had such a hard time with it all.
Picture time: Because I am feeling up to it-->
Jackson in his great mamaw's cabinets eating a biscuit from breakfast. They watch him during the week when my parents are at work and his great grandparents have gotten so involved and attached... I am convinced that it is the time spent with a child that make them so dear to your heart.
A happy momma and her son enjoying a day of no school, no work, and mostly play....Jackson Daniel is such a joy.
We ordered the meat and egg combo expecting mostly roosters and some good laying hens. While chicken killing wasn't necessarily on the top of my "to-do list" I do like the idea of being able to provide meat for my family in the event that I NEED to. What we did not expect is that we would get ALL hens and that the meat birds would be sooo terribly large. There were 2 of them that were particularly pathetic. They could barely get to the roost, moving in general seemed to be such a pain and so we decided that it was their "time", which would've been much earlier had they been roosters.
I was surprised by how clean and quiet the whole process was. They had been put up for the entire day and had no protest to being strung up by their feet when the time came. We opted to skin them instead of plucking and the cleaning was far less "gross" than I had imagined as well. Revealing those huge, beautiful, fresh, chicken breasts was amazing. Like something I would buy at Kroger, but 100x better. I had fed them, put them up at night, let them out in the morning, carried them water when theirs had frozen, they are our chickens and they provided us with a very nutritious dinner, their way of giving back.
Last night was chicken roast. Tonight is chicken gumbo. We still have an entire chicken resting in the fridge. All of that equals lots of money in the long run and the taste of these chickens are far superior to any I could buy.
I'm trying to convince myself. Can you hear it?
Jackson is staying here all week in Nicholasville. After this week he will be back to the school routine of staying with g,randparents for 3-4 days out of the week and honestly it kills me. Since I am being honest: At first it wasn't so bad (he was a screaming, "difficult", infant at first and it seemed as if we could do nothing right by him) but now I really "like" my child. I always loved him, he was mine and so I felt I had to, but now I really do. He is far more reasonable and works with us towards common goals... much better. I know in the beginning it was all a pain for him too which is why he cried so much and still.... My poor "new momma" brain had such a hard time with it all.
Picture time: Because I am feeling up to it-->
Jackson in his great mamaw's cabinets eating a biscuit from breakfast. They watch him during the week when my parents are at work and his great grandparents have gotten so involved and attached... I am convinced that it is the time spent with a child that make them so dear to your heart.
A happy momma and her son enjoying a day of no school, no work, and mostly play....Jackson Daniel is such a joy.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Almost Over
My scholastic break has, in my opinion, been a success.
Wedding dress --- CHECK
Caught up with Friends --- CHECK
Weened Jack from his bottle --- CHECK
Taken care of bills that the insurance was supposed to pay ---CHECK
Find Peace and Calm on the majority of my days --- (surprisingly) CHECK
(P.S. That is a vastly simplified version of the actual list and disregards all the things that were not accomplished such as "Applying to the Graduate Program" for my sanity and to appear more accomplished.)
And now with the break coming to a screeching halt, I look forward to the up coming semester. When I am home this much I struggle mentally. I need to feel involved and connected with the outside world. It is an Animal need, and when deprived tends to make me a little crazy.
So about this wedding dress:
I literally tried on over 50 dresses this past Tuesday and realized that weddings are gimmicks and are complete insanity. $1500 for a dress?!! I realize that some people will pay 20x that, but those people have money, I do not! My mother went with me and lunch went something like this:
Mom: Amber, I don't get it. This is your wedding dress, don't settle on one because it is cheap. That first one was just perfect!"
Me: The first one cost over 1000 dollars!
Mom: So what!? This is your only wedding!
Me: Yes, you are right it is, and I would rather take that extra money and buy more wine and food with it to ensure that EVERYONE has a great time.
So we made up, finished our drinks, went to the next shop on the list and the first dress I tried on was the one. It was reasonable priced, looked great (despite it needing to be taken in an inch or two), and I knew the moment it slid over my body that this was the dress I was supposed to get married in. God it feels good to have that part of the wedding taken care of, now if the rest could just do itself, that would be great.
Wednesday allowed for some catching up with my friend Kayla, her daughter Story, and Jacob. I was wonderful to see her, School has kept us both under lock and key lately and it appears as if the next semester will be similar. The best part was watching Jack and Story playing together. They are 9 months apart and so cute together. I wish I had taken pictures. At one point we hear Jackson start to cry and look over and they are in Story's princess tent and she has him in a headlock! I laughed so hard while trying to free him but really just wanted to watch him NOT fight back. And then on his way out of the tent Story grabs his waist and takes him down again! It was adorable, and Story has grown and changed so much it makes me sad that I get to see her so little.
Thursday... I don't remember. Must have taken care of bills and weened Jack from his bottle. HA. LOL.
That brings us to the now, which is where I should've been the whole time. Worry comes from past and the future, but the Now, holds nothing but peace or action to return to the peaceful state. today brought an itch to return to something. School, or summer, or bed perhaps, just an itch for a comfortable change. And then I remind myself that all of those things will come back around. It is my job to deal with and enjoy the Now.
That is exactly what I'm gonna do.
Wedding dress --- CHECK
Caught up with Friends --- CHECK
Weened Jack from his bottle --- CHECK
Taken care of bills that the insurance was supposed to pay ---CHECK
Find Peace and Calm on the majority of my days --- (surprisingly) CHECK
(P.S. That is a vastly simplified version of the actual list and disregards all the things that were not accomplished such as "Applying to the Graduate Program" for my sanity and to appear more accomplished.)
And now with the break coming to a screeching halt, I look forward to the up coming semester. When I am home this much I struggle mentally. I need to feel involved and connected with the outside world. It is an Animal need, and when deprived tends to make me a little crazy.
So about this wedding dress:
I literally tried on over 50 dresses this past Tuesday and realized that weddings are gimmicks and are complete insanity. $1500 for a dress?!! I realize that some people will pay 20x that, but those people have money, I do not! My mother went with me and lunch went something like this:
Mom: Amber, I don't get it. This is your wedding dress, don't settle on one because it is cheap. That first one was just perfect!"
Me: The first one cost over 1000 dollars!
Mom: So what!? This is your only wedding!
Me: Yes, you are right it is, and I would rather take that extra money and buy more wine and food with it to ensure that EVERYONE has a great time.
So we made up, finished our drinks, went to the next shop on the list and the first dress I tried on was the one. It was reasonable priced, looked great (despite it needing to be taken in an inch or two), and I knew the moment it slid over my body that this was the dress I was supposed to get married in. God it feels good to have that part of the wedding taken care of, now if the rest could just do itself, that would be great.
Wednesday allowed for some catching up with my friend Kayla, her daughter Story, and Jacob. I was wonderful to see her, School has kept us both under lock and key lately and it appears as if the next semester will be similar. The best part was watching Jack and Story playing together. They are 9 months apart and so cute together. I wish I had taken pictures. At one point we hear Jackson start to cry and look over and they are in Story's princess tent and she has him in a headlock! I laughed so hard while trying to free him but really just wanted to watch him NOT fight back. And then on his way out of the tent Story grabs his waist and takes him down again! It was adorable, and Story has grown and changed so much it makes me sad that I get to see her so little.
Thursday... I don't remember. Must have taken care of bills and weened Jack from his bottle. HA. LOL.
That brings us to the now, which is where I should've been the whole time. Worry comes from past and the future, but the Now, holds nothing but peace or action to return to the peaceful state. today brought an itch to return to something. School, or summer, or bed perhaps, just an itch for a comfortable change. And then I remind myself that all of those things will come back around. It is my job to deal with and enjoy the Now.
That is exactly what I'm gonna do.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
A good Trade.
My dishes are washed and his hair is cut.
As much as I will miss those luscious locks, I know they will return in due time.
And I found a wedding dress..... More on that later : )
As much as I will miss those luscious locks, I know they will return in due time.
And I found a wedding dress..... More on that later : )
Saturday, January 1, 2011
I woke with a song in my heart.
And you know when that happens that you have started a new year just as it was meant to be started.
Thursday night we spent a beautiful evening with a lovely couple that just lived and breathed love for one another. Although they had known one another from childhood their lover status is relatively new and refreshing to see in a world where romance often seems to be dead. Retelling the story of how Dave and I met was equaling healing. Over the course of a pregnancy and a 14 month old it is easy to forget all of the amazing circumstances that brought you together. From personal ads on the internet to 13 hour talks on your first date (on which Dave was a perfect gentleman, although all evidence points elsewhere) I just knew then that all of the pain that comes with giving your heart, opening it wide and letting some else in, would be totally worth it with this man. That, if we chose to, we could have a life filled with so much love and joy in light of both commonalities and differences. And then I realized that what I knew then has become my reality, I just needed to step back to see it. And of course homemade pizzas for all to share were incredible as well.
To top off the ending of 2010 Dave and I rang in the new year with more family and friends. Our night swirled with Lemon Drops and "gourmet" pizza. And we laughed and smiled and I looked around me and felt warm and fuzzy and decided that even if it was only the intoxicating effects of all of the alcohol coursing through my veins that this was perf
ect.
Laughter - Caught on Camera
Peggy and Jeff
Family - Neighbors - Friends
Understand that we are not typically the night owls - so by 12:00 We felt exactly as tired as we look here.
I didn't write resolutions this year but if I had've it would've been something about finding good in all people, patience in my heart, and seeking positivity and light each and every day. You see, I am not always as positive and cheery as I am at this moment. I struggle and battle daily, moment to moment, with my negatively wired mind. I refuse to let it bring me down. I know that if I break the downward cycle of negativity enough that my brain will heal itself and I can enjoy more moments, more days exactly like this one.
Jackson is home, taking an afternoon nap. He was with Pappy Dan and Mimi for the new year's eve and I know he had a splendid time. His tantrums are getting shorter, my ignoring them worked exceptionally well as he has already realized that breaking down has absolutely no effect on his hardened momma.
Oh my sweet boy, the fun we will have when he wakes.
and the song...It's All Coming Back to Me Now - Celine Dion, I remember belting it out when I was 6 years old or so. It meant nothing to me then, except for feeling so good, so powerful to sing. And that is exactly what it did for me this morning.
Happy New Year to all.
Thursday night we spent a beautiful evening with a lovely couple that just lived and breathed love for one another. Although they had known one another from childhood their lover status is relatively new and refreshing to see in a world where romance often seems to be dead. Retelling the story of how Dave and I met was equaling healing. Over the course of a pregnancy and a 14 month old it is easy to forget all of the amazing circumstances that brought you together. From personal ads on the internet to 13 hour talks on your first date (on which Dave was a perfect gentleman, although all evidence points elsewhere) I just knew then that all of the pain that comes with giving your heart, opening it wide and letting some else in, would be totally worth it with this man. That, if we chose to, we could have a life filled with so much love and joy in light of both commonalities and differences. And then I realized that what I knew then has become my reality, I just needed to step back to see it. And of course homemade pizzas for all to share were incredible as well.
To top off the ending of 2010 Dave and I rang in the new year with more family and friends. Our night swirled with Lemon Drops and "gourmet" pizza. And we laughed and smiled and I looked around me and felt warm and fuzzy and decided that even if it was only the intoxicating effects of all of the alcohol coursing through my veins that this was perf
ect.Laughter - Caught on Camera
Peggy and Jeff
Family - Neighbors - Friends
Understand that we are not typically the night owls - so by 12:00 We felt exactly as tired as we look here.
I didn't write resolutions this year but if I had've it would've been something about finding good in all people, patience in my heart, and seeking positivity and light each and every day. You see, I am not always as positive and cheery as I am at this moment. I struggle and battle daily, moment to moment, with my negatively wired mind. I refuse to let it bring me down. I know that if I break the downward cycle of negativity enough that my brain will heal itself and I can enjoy more moments, more days exactly like this one.
Jackson is home, taking an afternoon nap. He was with Pappy Dan and Mimi for the new year's eve and I know he had a splendid time. His tantrums are getting shorter, my ignoring them worked exceptionally well as he has already realized that breaking down has absolutely no effect on his hardened momma.
Oh my sweet boy, the fun we will have when he wakes.
and the song...It's All Coming Back to Me Now - Celine Dion, I remember belting it out when I was 6 years old or so. It meant nothing to me then, except for feeling so good, so powerful to sing. And that is exactly what it did for me this morning.
Happy New Year to all.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Mother's Reflection
Feeding the Chickens this morning was more dreary than usual. Even the Chickens were more reluctant to leave the coop for food. The sun is still tucked neatly behind some clouds and the ground once covered by snow is now a mud slick that tries to suck feet in with each step. I love how the snow covers and cleans everything up; with it gone I am reminded of all the work that needs to be done around our house (Sigh). It will wait for spring though and I will wait for another snowfall to help me forget about it.
Jackson is with his Mamaw and Paw until after New Year's. They had become so accustomed to watching him a few days every week during the school year that missing him for nearly 2 weeks almost killed them. Only problem is that now I miss him. He is such a joyful child and I love being able to just spend time with him: play, laugh, read books, and dance our legs off.
I found old pictures of him yesterday when I was cleaning the house and I just cried. He is not that infant. He has a personality now with likes, dislikes, and ways of showing affection and disgust. He is amazing to me. In the stack of pictures were also the pictures of his birth. I looked at that girl pushing a baby through and out of her body and I realize that she is not that girl. I have grown tremendously as a person since that day. Motherhood is the single most trying task I have encountered and yet we get through every single day. Jack is a healthy, happy, intelligent child and I don't know that a mother could ask for anymore.
This evening we are having friends over for drinks, games, food, and good times. I met Melanie during this past semester (smoking outside, which we have both now successfully quit!) and we had so much in common we became instant friends. I am excited to catch up with her and meet her boyfriend and for her to meet Dave.
And that is what the "holidays" are all about, great food and drink, laughter, joy, and spending time with those you love, whether it be in a beautiful snowfall or horrible mud slick, that is what it is all about.
Jackson is with his Mamaw and Paw until after New Year's. They had become so accustomed to watching him a few days every week during the school year that missing him for nearly 2 weeks almost killed them. Only problem is that now I miss him. He is such a joyful child and I love being able to just spend time with him: play, laugh, read books, and dance our legs off.
I found old pictures of him yesterday when I was cleaning the house and I just cried. He is not that infant. He has a personality now with likes, dislikes, and ways of showing affection and disgust. He is amazing to me. In the stack of pictures were also the pictures of his birth. I looked at that girl pushing a baby through and out of her body and I realize that she is not that girl. I have grown tremendously as a person since that day. Motherhood is the single most trying task I have encountered and yet we get through every single day. Jack is a healthy, happy, intelligent child and I don't know that a mother could ask for anymore.
This evening we are having friends over for drinks, games, food, and good times. I met Melanie during this past semester (smoking outside, which we have both now successfully quit!) and we had so much in common we became instant friends. I am excited to catch up with her and meet her boyfriend and for her to meet Dave.
And that is what the "holidays" are all about, great food and drink, laughter, joy, and spending time with those you love, whether it be in a beautiful snowfall or horrible mud slick, that is what it is all about.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Broken Things.
Add my laptop to the list....(sigh) My hard drive is gone, along with pictures of Jack's first birthday and my pre-surgery boob pictures. It just wouldn't start this morning and nothing we tried would coax it into cooperating one last time for a transfer of files to the externals. I tell myself every time I have a crash that this is the last time I will be caught with my pants down so to speak, that I will back up every single file I have. And yet I never seem to get around to it. My hope now is that we will be able to send off and get the files extracted by a professional, Boobie shots and all.
The breaker also went a few days ago so I have had no washer or dryer for about 3 days now. To top off this delightful season Jackson and I are both on antibiotics after a doctor visit today. But Jackson is now peacefully resting and as the scene to our left indicates, I am enjoying a small glass of Jim Beam Rye and Ginger Ale (My new favorite drink, You should try it if you haven't.)
The good news is that I am not broken. Well not anymore. Not after I had a good cry and walk in the snow with the most beautifully strong, kind, and patient man that I know. Dave has a way of encouraging me to be happy even when my brain chemistry pulls so hard in every opposite direction, He reminds me that it is perfectly fine to take a deep breath and restart my day as many times as it takes to get it right, today... it took until about 1 am. (I just realized "today" in that last sentence is over. Technically I never did get yesterday right, But today has started out GREAT and I haven't even slept!)
So in light of so many "broken things" I feel it is appropriate to focus on all the things that couldn't be more "unbroken":
1. In spite of 2 very ill participants, our Christmas morning was delightful! Jackson played and played with new toys. His car ramps were definitely his favorite, especially after I showed him that many different objects could be cleverly shot down the ramp. (Pictures might be posted when I get a steady computer for downloading them from my camera.)
2. A new hard drive has been ordered for my laptop.
3. 2 plane tickets destined for Switzerland from May 22nd through June 2nd were purchased today! Our honeymoon destination is official and there are no refunds now.
4. Dave bought what we need to fix the breaker. And I found out that we all have more clothes to wear than I thought and that it is totally possible to go 2 weeks without doing laundry.
4. Dave took it upon himself to buy me a spicy East Indian Snack Mix that is tasty as hell since I am sick and prepare curative chili and bread for us all in the same day. I am going to stop there for fear that this is getting too lovey and sweet.