So it is all going very quickly. Jackson is a half of a year old today! That blows my mind. He has eaten peas, carrots, squash, sweet potatoes, green beans, avocado, banana pudding (Thanks Mamaw), and Chicken gravy (Everyone got some for its curative properties). He has begun to entertain the thought of sleeping through the night... Just entertaining it though... some nights aren't so great.. But we are surviving. That's what parents do. Right?!
I don't really know about his growth (Just made his sixth month appointment today) except that he is BIG! Not too big, still wearing some 3-6, 6 mo. and 9 mo. but he is so long.
He is now rolling over, he has grown his first tooth! I mean these kids just grow so fast.
I write all of this and wonder: who cares what my baby is up to? And then I realize, I DO, I want to remember it. And then it is all worth it. That and there are so many mothers out there in the world.. I feel like it is a lonely positions sometimes. Feeling like no one really understands your daily struggles. But the truth is that a great majority really understand it all... From different perspectives of course. but that is what makes it all so interesting.
I had some drinks with some friends this evening. One I see quite often and one that I wish I saw more... It was so good. To talk, to listen, to just be girls. Not necessarily mothers, or students ( although our children and school were topics of conversations) but dirty, rotten girls. I saw today that they are both far more important to me than I realized. It was enlightening.
And from that I realize that we are all just walking around with these multiple identities, or personalities if you will. We are more than you see with the naked, untrained eye. We are all moving through on this mission of life, Discovering more each day. And we grow. We are better for that growth, I believe.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Random Stream of Consciousness... Grammar Considered.
-Before I was a mother I would've never dreamed about blogging. I didn't feel like I had much to say. I guess my life is no more interesting than most. But I have always had these insights, Of course there are more of them and in a broader range now that I am a momma. Either way I find that oftentimes it is reading the words of someone being so bluntly honest, open, and pouring their heart out that truly inspires me. A piece of what they say I might relate to and in that moment I know I am not the only one. I appreciate the willingness to do that. I think not only do we free ourselves in speaking or writing our words out loud but we also have the chance to free others.
-I used to see myself as a depressed individual. That was the way it was and there was nothing I could do about it. I found comfort in my dismal outlook and the numbness that the medication provided. It is as if a change had occurred somewhere in the past year and I hadn't really realized it until lately. I look in the mirror and see someone who is full of life. I am bright and happy, I love the grimace that has turned into a true smile. Sure, some days are hard but I can step out of my body and see myself going down this path in search of truths, and happiness, pursuing a deeper understanding for the journey of inner and personal peace.
- I am a mother. I had no intentions of becoming a Momma so soon. In fact I had some sort of gut feeling that I couldn't have children. Maybe lots of people doubt their fertility. Either way My world has been turned upside down. It is not the way that I had imagined it would be at all. I won't always feel like this is a true statement, but in a healthy frame of mind I realize that my life has turned out far better than I could've imagined. I hold this growing boy everyday and he reaches out to me and smiles. He laughs and babbles, he holds his head high. He cries when he is hungry or tired. Sometime he cries because he is bored. And through all the dirty diapers and stumbles through the dark to the side of his crib, I know that I love that boy in ways I couldn't have loved before. Becoming a mother is scarily empowering. It has pushed me to places that I never wanted to go, and yet I am stronger for it.
- It has taken me a long time to get to know myself. A small town bred outward conformity in me, but within I was crying for freedom, to be who I needed to be to express the nature loving, eccentric individual who danced in the corner of my mind begging for her chance on the stage. I am getting there. I get to know her a little more everyday, and boy do I love her. I would go so far as to say that I am in love with her. I want her to spread her wings, I want her to soar, I want her to know that I have found her a safe place to call home.
- Dave is a part of me. I once would've said that he is the better part of me, but I now realize that he is the complimentary part of me. I have him to thank for so much; Our sweet, gorgeous boy, the support, encouragement, and space to find myself and balance this new life. I really could not do any of this without him... nor would I want to.
- I think all of these things as I drive to and from school... I find solace in the quiet as I completely allow myself to dive into my inner thoughts, and I just needed to share them.
-I used to see myself as a depressed individual. That was the way it was and there was nothing I could do about it. I found comfort in my dismal outlook and the numbness that the medication provided. It is as if a change had occurred somewhere in the past year and I hadn't really realized it until lately. I look in the mirror and see someone who is full of life. I am bright and happy, I love the grimace that has turned into a true smile. Sure, some days are hard but I can step out of my body and see myself going down this path in search of truths, and happiness, pursuing a deeper understanding for the journey of inner and personal peace.
- I am a mother. I had no intentions of becoming a Momma so soon. In fact I had some sort of gut feeling that I couldn't have children. Maybe lots of people doubt their fertility. Either way My world has been turned upside down. It is not the way that I had imagined it would be at all. I won't always feel like this is a true statement, but in a healthy frame of mind I realize that my life has turned out far better than I could've imagined. I hold this growing boy everyday and he reaches out to me and smiles. He laughs and babbles, he holds his head high. He cries when he is hungry or tired. Sometime he cries because he is bored. And through all the dirty diapers and stumbles through the dark to the side of his crib, I know that I love that boy in ways I couldn't have loved before. Becoming a mother is scarily empowering. It has pushed me to places that I never wanted to go, and yet I am stronger for it.
- It has taken me a long time to get to know myself. A small town bred outward conformity in me, but within I was crying for freedom, to be who I needed to be to express the nature loving, eccentric individual who danced in the corner of my mind begging for her chance on the stage. I am getting there. I get to know her a little more everyday, and boy do I love her. I would go so far as to say that I am in love with her. I want her to spread her wings, I want her to soar, I want her to know that I have found her a safe place to call home.
- Dave is a part of me. I once would've said that he is the better part of me, but I now realize that he is the complimentary part of me. I have him to thank for so much; Our sweet, gorgeous boy, the support, encouragement, and space to find myself and balance this new life. I really could not do any of this without him... nor would I want to.
- I think all of these things as I drive to and from school... I find solace in the quiet as I completely allow myself to dive into my inner thoughts, and I just needed to share them.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
SQUASH!
I pictured this spring break to be a relaxed sort of boring event, in which I spent my day trying to come up with things to do to keep myself occupied. Much to my surprise when I look around the house I realize that there are tons of things that need to be done and Spring break is half Over! I know sorta disheartening, but I'm not gonna sweat it. I will say that one project that I want to at least get started is an outdoor play area for Jackson... a safe area that is fenced in where he can go wild and I won't have to worry about him (too much). I have a vision of it and I can't wait to get started. If it would only clear up a little out there... Jeez.
Okay so Dave and I started it out with a trip to Tennessee last Friday.. We came home Sunday Evening and poor Dave had a sore throat. We truly enjoyed ourselves in spite of the sudden illness. We rented a little cabin, I became obsessed with the hot tub... sneaking myself out to it every chance I got..., cooked breakfast and dinner everyday, Found an Awesome Cast Iron Wok!, and spent some great quality time together. It was a much needed getaway for a Momma and Poppa, I think it is important to reconnect and that's just what we did. I must say that that touristy aspect of Tennessee is really too much for me to handle. All the signs and lights clutter the place if you ask me.
When we got back I decided it was time to start Jackson on Veggies. So I cooked some butter nut squash, pureed it, froze the extra and fed him his first vegetable ever.
But first he had to knock over the spatulas and pick out a nice silicon one to grab and shake around violently.
Then to the other side.
Kinda worried about it. "Momma, what am I to do with this stuff anyway?!"
Too many distractors in the bumbo so we moved the feeding operation to the bouncer, but then the camera was far to interesting to worry much about food.
"Look Momma, I have the cord!!"
He was very proud of himself when he grabbed the spoon out of the bowl and managed to hit himself in the face with it.
Overall it was a very good experience for the both of us. And we have continued feeding it to him. Next week I believe the new food will be sweet potatoes. I have a feeling he will like that very much.
I can't really describe how good it makes me feel to fix him vegetables myself, from real, fresh produce, knowing that there are no preservatives or other junk in it. I guess it replaces that desire to breastfeed and the overall un-success of it (although i did feed him for the entire first month solely from my breasts, and it nearly killed me, mentally and emotionally). I'm proud of myself, and I was surprised at how easy it was to make and how many servings it did make for him.
Okay so Dave and I started it out with a trip to Tennessee last Friday.. We came home Sunday Evening and poor Dave had a sore throat. We truly enjoyed ourselves in spite of the sudden illness. We rented a little cabin, I became obsessed with the hot tub... sneaking myself out to it every chance I got..., cooked breakfast and dinner everyday, Found an Awesome Cast Iron Wok!, and spent some great quality time together. It was a much needed getaway for a Momma and Poppa, I think it is important to reconnect and that's just what we did. I must say that that touristy aspect of Tennessee is really too much for me to handle. All the signs and lights clutter the place if you ask me.
When we got back I decided it was time to start Jackson on Veggies. So I cooked some butter nut squash, pureed it, froze the extra and fed him his first vegetable ever.
But first he had to knock over the spatulas and pick out a nice silicon one to grab and shake around violently.
Then to the other side.
Kinda worried about it. "Momma, what am I to do with this stuff anyway?!"
Too many distractors in the bumbo so we moved the feeding operation to the bouncer, but then the camera was far to interesting to worry much about food.
"Look Momma, I have the cord!!"
He was very proud of himself when he grabbed the spoon out of the bowl and managed to hit himself in the face with it.
Overall it was a very good experience for the both of us. And we have continued feeding it to him. Next week I believe the new food will be sweet potatoes. I have a feeling he will like that very much.
I can't really describe how good it makes me feel to fix him vegetables myself, from real, fresh produce, knowing that there are no preservatives or other junk in it. I guess it replaces that desire to breastfeed and the overall un-success of it (although i did feed him for the entire first month solely from my breasts, and it nearly killed me, mentally and emotionally). I'm proud of myself, and I was surprised at how easy it was to make and how many servings it did make for him.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Squealer!
While the title really says it all I must describe this new favorite past time of Jackson's. He squeals. And he loves it too. As high pitched a squeal as he can muster is his favorite. He does this not out of frustration, anger, or hunger, but for the shear joy of being a sweet baby boy. I suppose he likes to hear his voice make new noises and is just trying them all out... Oh yes, and his favorite time to do this? In the evening usually, when Daddy gets home. It makes Daddy smile extra big after a long day of work, and of course Jackson is all about pleasing us... ; ).
He squeals mostly at his jittery Pal, Mr. Duck, who hangs on his bouncer, as if to say " Mr. Duck, hey dude what's up? Why don't we tell each other stories? Say something Mr. Duck!!!" But the Damn duck never does... But Jackson Daniel doesn't care... He talks to him anyway.
And so I am reminded of this aspect of childhood. Doing things for the shear joy of doing them. Not because you necessarily want to be rewarded or expect to gain anything from doing so, but because it just makes you feel good inside.
Thank you Jackson. For reminding me, nearly every day, of the sweet bliss of your current state of mind. I know you will grow up someday and have problems arise, you won't have the cool jeans, or some stupid girl will break your heart, but for now you are just my sweet boy. And when that time comes I will hold you close, if you will let me, just as I do now. I will get out my sewing machine and make those jeans the coolest and god help any little girl that breaks my boy's heart. Enjoy your life sweet thing. Squeal to the top of your lungs, Smile huge, un-hurting smiles, and hold onto this bliss as long as you can.
He squeals mostly at his jittery Pal, Mr. Duck, who hangs on his bouncer, as if to say " Mr. Duck, hey dude what's up? Why don't we tell each other stories? Say something Mr. Duck!!!" But the Damn duck never does... But Jackson Daniel doesn't care... He talks to him anyway.
And so I am reminded of this aspect of childhood. Doing things for the shear joy of doing them. Not because you necessarily want to be rewarded or expect to gain anything from doing so, but because it just makes you feel good inside.
Thank you Jackson. For reminding me, nearly every day, of the sweet bliss of your current state of mind. I know you will grow up someday and have problems arise, you won't have the cool jeans, or some stupid girl will break your heart, but for now you are just my sweet boy. And when that time comes I will hold you close, if you will let me, just as I do now. I will get out my sewing machine and make those jeans the coolest and god help any little girl that breaks my boy's heart. Enjoy your life sweet thing. Squeal to the top of your lungs, Smile huge, un-hurting smiles, and hold onto this bliss as long as you can.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
4 Months Old and Growing Fast
Jackson Daniel is now a little over 4 months old. From his wellness check we learned that he is 15 and 1/2 pounds, (60th percentile), 25 and 1/4 inches in length, that's over 2 feet (90th percentile), and I believe a whopping 44 1/4 inches in head circumference (90th percentile). They also told me I could start him on some solids, which I thought was supposed to come with the 6th month mark... I did however try some rice cereal with him and he has taken to it quite well.. We are going to stay on that for a while, maybe next month we will try some veggies. He's doing great developmentally: Rolling from side to side, very social, smiling, giggling, babbling like it is his job. Of course after they tell me how perfect he is and what I good job I am doing I hear two of the doctors outside my door saying things to the effect of "That's just stupid, She is a young mother, What can you expect" in reference to us not getting Jackson vaccinated. Yes, I am young, but Stupid is something that I am definitely not. And I don't believe the two always go as a pair. My favorite is how they can say these things and then re-enter my room with smiley un-accusing faces. People can make their judgments, but at the end of the day I am his mother and he is my child and my decisions will be upheld come hell or high water.
Okay. I feel better. : )
Truly, he is growing faster than I could've expected. He is now wearing anything from 3-6 to 6-9 months in clothes and a pair of his 12 month shoes fit. He cries less and smiles more as the days go by and I must say this is to my delight. I now understand why some people don't want to sit next to babies in a restaurant. Fear that they will cry. I hate to say it, but I think we still have some post traumatic stress from the first few months of that seemingly endless crying. I'm sure those memories fade as they are replaced with laughter and words. I am truly blessed,or lucky, however you want to define what happens when life turns out so sweet.
Outside in his bear outfit (A hand-me-down from Kayla and Story) Poor winter baby, He is going to love the summer so much!
Pictures in the morning light are my favorite, and Jackson is so compliant at this time in the day.
Our lil Jack Daniel (a baby shower gift from Kayla) It's going to be sad when he grows out of it : S
Okay. I feel better. : )
Truly, he is growing faster than I could've expected. He is now wearing anything from 3-6 to 6-9 months in clothes and a pair of his 12 month shoes fit. He cries less and smiles more as the days go by and I must say this is to my delight. I now understand why some people don't want to sit next to babies in a restaurant. Fear that they will cry. I hate to say it, but I think we still have some post traumatic stress from the first few months of that seemingly endless crying. I'm sure those memories fade as they are replaced with laughter and words. I am truly blessed,or lucky, however you want to define what happens when life turns out so sweet.
Outside in his bear outfit (A hand-me-down from Kayla and Story) Poor winter baby, He is going to love the summer so much!
Pictures in the morning light are my favorite, and Jackson is so compliant at this time in the day.
Our lil Jack Daniel (a baby shower gift from Kayla) It's going to be sad when he grows out of it : S
Friday, January 29, 2010
And the Beat Goes On and On.
Jackson Daniel keeps growing. He keeps growing while I'm away at school, while I study, while I'm trying to figure out who and where I am in this big, wide world. My parents watch him Monday night so that I can go to lab and when he comes back on Tuesday evening he is often a different baby altogether, making new noises and faces. But that is what babies do. They grow and change and develop in spite of everything else going on around them. And I'm glad for it.
Jackson is 3 months old now going on four months. He really is becoming such a little sweet boy. He laughs, coos, dances (with my help, reggae is his favorite), and he's gaining control of his hands. He now grabs and reaches for things, his little soft babies, my hair, or a necklace, if it's in his way. He wants to talk badly, I know it. He tries very hard and it's the cutest thing to listen to him talk to his "jittery pals" that hang on his bouncer and car seat. He is wearing 3-6 month clothes mostly now and eats 5 ounces every 3-4 hours. He likes his schedules and I do too!
I can't believe what a big part of our lives this little boy is. When he is gone visiting with a grandparent there is an emptiness in the house, maybe it's just the quiet but either way there is a sort of loneliness in it.
Jackson is 3 months old now going on four months. He really is becoming such a little sweet boy. He laughs, coos, dances (with my help, reggae is his favorite), and he's gaining control of his hands. He now grabs and reaches for things, his little soft babies, my hair, or a necklace, if it's in his way. He wants to talk badly, I know it. He tries very hard and it's the cutest thing to listen to him talk to his "jittery pals" that hang on his bouncer and car seat. He is wearing 3-6 month clothes mostly now and eats 5 ounces every 3-4 hours. He likes his schedules and I do too!
I can't believe what a big part of our lives this little boy is. When he is gone visiting with a grandparent there is an emptiness in the house, maybe it's just the quiet but either way there is a sort of loneliness in it.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Let's Back up to Christmas...
Okay. So Christmas was super duper busy and since I just recently found my camera cord I think it's time to blog about Jackson's very first Christmas.
Jackson got a Play mat from his Aunt Jessica and Uncle Jeff that offers him endless entertainment. It really is awesome with lights, music, and nature sounds he can get absorbed by it for up to an hour.
(We love it just as much as he does : )
Christmas day offered just as much excitement. We visited with Jackson's Pappy Dan and Kathy. Although he wasn't very interested in "opening" gifts he certainly liked to be entertained with them.
And of course after a delicious dinner of Turkey and the works (for us, formula for Jackson, poor baby) he was so ready for a nap on Kathy's shoulder.
From there it was off to Jackson County for more Christmas Fun.
There Jackson talked boy-talk with Great Grand Pap,
Entertained the Ladies,
And we got to open all his presents.
Of course we had to take some pictures around the Christmas tree!
I love my boys so.
We spent the night at Mamaw and Papaw McQueen's house and then the next day Dave and I went Skiing!
This was my first time. I fell twice on the bunny hill before we decided to move on to the slopes. I could feel the fear pulsing through me as the lift took us higher and higher. Oh My! What exhilaration! Oh yes I fell. I fell lots and lots. Head first down the hill but it was amazing.
And by the end of the night I was a real pro. And the whiplash wasn't anything that couldn't be fixed by the Chiropractor two days later. ; )
We had a wonderful Christmas and I felt so blessed to have my two healthy, beautiful boys to share it with.
Jackson got a Play mat from his Aunt Jessica and Uncle Jeff that offers him endless entertainment. It really is awesome with lights, music, and nature sounds he can get absorbed by it for up to an hour.
(We love it just as much as he does : )
Christmas day offered just as much excitement. We visited with Jackson's Pappy Dan and Kathy. Although he wasn't very interested in "opening" gifts he certainly liked to be entertained with them.
And of course after a delicious dinner of Turkey and the works (for us, formula for Jackson, poor baby) he was so ready for a nap on Kathy's shoulder.
From there it was off to Jackson County for more Christmas Fun.
There Jackson talked boy-talk with Great Grand Pap,
Entertained the Ladies,
And we got to open all his presents.
Of course we had to take some pictures around the Christmas tree!
I love my boys so.
We spent the night at Mamaw and Papaw McQueen's house and then the next day Dave and I went Skiing!
This was my first time. I fell twice on the bunny hill before we decided to move on to the slopes. I could feel the fear pulsing through me as the lift took us higher and higher. Oh My! What exhilaration! Oh yes I fell. I fell lots and lots. Head first down the hill but it was amazing.
And by the end of the night I was a real pro. And the whiplash wasn't anything that couldn't be fixed by the Chiropractor two days later. ; )
We had a wonderful Christmas and I felt so blessed to have my two healthy, beautiful boys to share it with.